Monday, November 01, 2004

:: the end of a chapter... ? ::

so much i wanted to put down here... SO MUCH. but i've promised her i wont publish

our stuff here. things i can only revealed - my msn nick pretty says much itself if

u do get what it means: "remnants of yesteday, picking up shards of regrets" its

only when u finally lose someone, something, then u realise how important it is. and

while on the verge of losing, i've said sOo much, did sOo much to convince her to

turnaround. to change her fate, our fate. there is sOo much i wanted to do, but i

cant. the helplessness is painful. when all u can do is just wait. and wait. but in

the end, the inevitable happened, i do not blame her. i did initially. then when i

asked her if she has tried all she could to prevent it from happening, i heard the

anger in her retort. she has done what could be done. and thus we resigned to fate,

cruel fate. why must it taunt us so. so many opportunities to be together but didnt.

u can say we both have ourselves to blame for that, i have more share in that. i

admitted i let her go a few times, she did too. dont know why. alot of reasons, dont

really want to said it out here. sighz. (refer to my april post - :: sadden ::)

it seems like a nightmare where u cant wake up from. a thousand and one If's and

What if's? if one can turn back time, then there wouldnt be the existence of

REGRETs. it fills my heart and killin me day by day. i scream a silent scream. the

excruciating pain of heartaches when i think about what happened. then the sudden

flooding of memories of us. the bittersweet moments. funny that what happened

earlier has more clarity of what happened in the recent years. but we have a whole

set of memories these couple of weeks. today. as i held her hand on the train on the

way back, as i should have on many occasions but i just didnt. it doesnt matter if

its too late. it doesnt matter she cant be with me. for that moment, we truly

belonged to one another. for that moment, there is only US and no one else. it was

more than words could ever expresssed, that bliss. as i awoke to reality 2 stops

later. i was so reluctant to let her go, we i did. as i waited with her for her

train home, i wanted so much to give her a final hug. i didnt. i backed out. why i

dont know. its always like this. like i said, i have TONS of regrets. my

indecisiveness kills me. i thoroughly deserved this ending. i only have myself to

blame for what happened.

certainly didnt expect to see her today. we said our goodbyes few days earlier. we

passed each other stuff. really liked what she gave me. she was apprehensive about

whether i liked it. told her that i liked it no matter the condition. when i came

back and opened it up. a familiar scent arises. it was her. or maybe my senses are

playing tricks. well, indeed, it was reminiscent of her. im goin crazy here, i know.

crazy for her. keep telling her i'll wait for her 3 years. and things like running

off together. did sensed that she pondered on my words. just that she doesnt have

the courage. if only i could gave her mine. she said even when its over, she wont be

coming back to me, but i keep stressing her that if we do have another chance to be

together, i wont let her go that easily this time. still not giving up even though

everything looks bleak ahead. well, at least good. i certainly wont be distracted by

matters of the heart anymore. which will be good since im goin to be unemployed next

sept. she keeps asking me when im havin my op. told her that i dont intend to tell

her unless she will be by my bedside throughout the night.. cruel right? but why see

her if nothing's goin to change and it will be painful for both of us. time will

heal all wounds, but i guess in my case it wont happened. cos she has taken my heart

away.


this chapter wont end like this. i will await the continuance. come what may.

wen|ong @ 6:57 PM
Parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say 'Good night' till it be morrow.