Saturday, April 17, 2004

:: sadden ::

mind running wild now, lotsa things to write down. dont know where to begin, it seems so surreal. how would u feel that the one u loved for the longest time told u she has got married. and that she also told u she loved u too, that your feelings was reciprocated, jus that its too late now cos of her status now? its things like that you wished u did something before, regretting what might have been, what might have happened if u keep persisting and not being doubtful of yourself and your capabilities to affect the other person. well, life certainly has a cruel sense of humour? i was NOT given a choice, the fact was just thrown to my face, well, she was being hesitant in tellin me it anyways, i had to probe her to get the truth. at first i thought it was jus being attached, well definitely and absolutely NOT married? the blow was swiftly struck at me, it was moments before the situation sank into my by now concussed mind, the phrase "cuts like a knife" certainly meant something. not really cut, more to stabbing into your heart and twisting the blade so that u feel nothing at first but the most excruciating and exquisite pain moments later. its not the first time i felt that for her, but its the feelin of helplessness that caught me. commonphrase among guys is that if the girl is woo-able unless she's married, well, i normally dont think to much of those stuff, but, nw she is. talk about irony. she HAD a choice. i dont really know what made her did the thing she did. some reasons she was unwilling to say. but still, kudos to her sister, thanks for the knife in the back, didnt i had it till she told me that her sister read something about my testimonial and had to interpret my fren's words LITERALLY and later told her that im a flirt or something. really much thanks sis~ sighz, thus planted the seeds of mistrust. shes so naive or trusting in her own way, and she believed her sis. well, i can blame her for not trusting me, for not reading the testimonial wif her own eyes instead takin her sister words, for not calling me up and interrogate me, for not telling me what she had always felt. but i just can't find it in my heart to do that. its jus been around a month since i've called her. she thought i was blowin hot and cold. she made her choice to get married to a guy she dont love. she said she didnt had much choice due to some reasons she wont made known to me. she cried when tellin me this. for tellin me she loved me. finally revealing what she really felt. she asked me why i laugh whenever i say something serious, i told her its nervous laughter. i dont show my feelings easily. i asked her how come she didnt told me wat she felt. i told her i got mixed feelings. i thought she dont have feelings for me. i called her less. i thought a overseas trip could let me gradually forget her. hard letting go of someone who has always resided in ur heart for the longest time. i thought i could until the phone rang. its always true. the movies the tv programs. u only treasure things/pple around u only when they are lost. she said she wanted badly to be a runaway bride. she added she didnt have the courage. i told her u only live once, dont let urself be miserable. lead the life u want, be happy, to love and to be loved by the one u love. i told her not to ever mistrust or doubt me again. i told her to be honest and truthful of her feelings and not to keep it inside. i told her much heartache brought by reminiscing. but i told her i'm only left with memories. so let me do it. she wants me to promise to remember her even when im attached or married. i told her hw could i forgot someone who broke my heart so many times. never before heard her so sad. never before heard her cry. for me. she continued even though she was not feelin well. i told her to take her medicine and go to sleep, she's workin tmw. we ended the phone conversation.

im pouring everything out here. bursting with thoughts and feelings. my spontaneous prose. my perfect misery. my sadness.

但愿有情人总成熟建属 - dan yuan you qing ren zong chen jian shu - may those in love be blissfully together

[dunno if my chinese for this is correct, someone help. thanx.]

wen|ong @ 2:18 AM
Parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say 'Good night' till it be morrow.